Me Too (and I didn't think so at first...)

When I woke up this morning, I found the "Me Too" posts trending across social media. Sleepily, I scrolled past it. I saw another, then another, then another. I read it again.

I instantly thought: "I've never been sexually harassed,"

The more I thought, the more I remembered those times when men would say something to me that left me feeling nauseated, blood pounding in my ears. But that wasn't "enough" was it? I was lucky enough to have never been physically harassed. Not something really bad. Not something bad enough to "count". Right?

I even searched "sexual harassment" in Safari. I knew what it is, but it was like I needed to prove to myself that I hadn't been sexually harassed. Like anything that happened to me, wasn't "bad enough" to re-post this status. Isn't that ridiculous? "Bad enough" should not be something anyone has to prove. It doesn't undo the things that were said or happened. It doesn't make them better or ok. It doesn't make them not sexual harassment.

I'm sharing this post, not to prove my status to anyone, but for the people who were/are like me, thinking "this has never happened to me." If it hasn't, I'm so grateful. But I found after my instant certainty that it had not happened to me, that it really had. Many times. And those times were enough. If you think this is you, I recommend reading this, I found it really helpful. The more I think about it, I doubt I know any women who have not had at least one of these moments. :(

I posted mine, and still felt like my experiences weren't enough. I continued to scroll. Continued to see so many friends, family, etc. posting this. If one of them experienced what I did, would it feel like "enough"? "YES" I thought without a doubt. I would never judge what someone else felt sexually harassed by.

What happened to me was enough. What happened to me was sexual harassment.

Early on especially, I was often SO surprised by the situation, that I would react by laughing nervously, and trying to smooth it over with a smile, and walking away when I could.

When you're 14, and a Junior football player makes you laugh, it's flattering that he wants to talk to you. When he says, "it would be fun to see you drunk..." You know what it means, and his attention is not flattering anymore. But how do you react to that? When you're so surprised and feel so instantly uneasy? Nothing more came of it, I never really talked to him again.

You see, when you're 16, a waitress, and have no experience with sexual harassment, and a customer makes a comment that they should not have, you still might not know what to do. I had no idea that refusing service was an option I had, I'd never thought about it. Even if I had... did I really want to anger a belligerent drunk? One who'd spoken words, laced with expletives, that I never could have imagined someone uttering to me? Especially when he was with three friends, and my only other co-worker at that moment was in the kitchen? No, not really.

It happened so infrequently for most of my life, thankfully, that I was often STILL taken aback by it. I STILL didn't know how to react.

When I was 17 I started my college job. (I'm a July baby, always the youngest.) I had a co-worker who was a little overly friendly, but he acted that way with everyone. I didn't really think about it as anything weird, until it was.

I remember one day he asked me, "Hey, do you use Facebook?" I responded that I did. He explained, "I don't use Facebook, but my buddy made me an account. I told him to delete it, can you check for me to see if he did?" So, not thinking anything of it, I search for him on Facebook. When I clicked on his name, a pornographic image showed up. He touches my shoulder, "Oh my God, I'm sorry you had to see that." He touches my shoulder again, tries to make eye contact, "Really I had no idea, I'm sorry. I can't believe he would do that."

Was he telling the truth? At the time I thought so, but as I worked with him more, the more I'm sure he knew what was waiting there. There wasn't anyone around. It was an innocent enough excuse, he could get away with it if someone walked in. He could just, "blame it on his buddy". Who then would have just been labeled, a "boy being a boy".

More memories came flooding back.

As time went on he would bring up things of a sexual nature, or of past-co-worker's (or student's) appearances or promiscuity. It was always in passing conversation, and I was always horrified and uncomfortable. Hew would grin, giving a conspiratorial look. This man had a Ph.D. He made over $90k per year. More money a year than anyone I'd ever known. Everyone else seemed to like him. Everyone else brushed it off as, "Yeah that's just NAME," or at the very most, "yeah I hate him, I just ignore him". I needed this job. It was the only way I was going to be able to afford college. I paid my own way through school, and this job let me work summers and paid me $12 an hour. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that.

One day, after KC started working in the same office, he was given a tiny closet of a work space. A little back room that wasn't meant to be an office, but that is where he sat. One day this same co-worker entered his office and made some comment to the effect of: "I bet you'd like to get Alex back here." When KC told me what he'd said, I was absolutely mortified, and I wasn't even there. And I'm pretty sure KC spared me some other things that were said....

I definitely think he knew what would be on that Facebook page when I opened it.

He eventually lost his job. I'm not sure if it was because someone reported him for things like this, or for other reasons. But I was certainly glad to see him go. I ran into him once years later, I instantly felt nauseated. Thank goodness there were a lot of people around.

Of course there are the short instances, the ones that I think every woman has had to deal with. Quick cat calls, "DAMN GIRL!" while being ogled from across the side walk.

But there were other times, where the most unlikely (in my mind) people would say something that I was SO surprised by, I can't even remember if I heard everything they said. As if my hearing shut off as the blood started to pound in my ears.

A friend of KC's dad meeting me, looking me up and down, and saying, "all right Kyle, nice job". I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. But boy did I wish I had a sweater. Or a parka.

A dad at the school where I worked suggesting that he "Bet I had a good time on the weekend... ," panning his eyes down my frame as he walked his kid to class.

A seemingly harmless, super nerd in college, at a trivia event held on campus. I can't even remember what he said at all, because I was so shocked. And then so so revulsed.

So yes, me too.

If you're reading this thinking that you encountered anything remotely like this, it wasn't right. It WAS sexual harassment. You don't need to feel like it isn't valid enough. You don't have to "prove" anything to anyone. You don't have to feel like your discomfort isn't worthy of the label it deserves.

So again, I hope that this shed a little perspective to anyone who felt like me when they first read the "Me Too" posts on social media. 

And I hope it sheds some light for people who have been thinking it doesn't happen so often. It only happens to people who are "asking for it". It can happen to anyone, and does happen to so many. However big or small, it's not ok. 

XO,

Alexandra

Flying Florida // Harder Than It Sounds

Well friends, July is entirely over. (has been for a little bit... ) I'm feeling good about that. Summer has always been a tough season for me. But this summer was just extra chaotic. New job, traveling for work, my family moving away, traveling twice in one month, our first car accident ...

Well, our Florida trip, while definitely having very good parts... was sort of following suit.

The beginning of our trip was great. We visited a very cool part of Tampa, had dinner and saw a flamenco show. 

The next few days were devoted to a wedding and family gatherings. All of that was really fun. The wedding was beautiful, and I have never seen any group of people dance so much in my entire life! It was incredible. I am so glad that we were able to be there for that! We got to go to a BBQ at the bride and groom's house the next day and chat with them more which was great.

We then set off on our way to a Florida Family Vacation. Which was just filled with rain. Seriously, I felt awful for my in-laws who just love the beach and the sun, and planned to spend as much time beaching and sunning as possible. There was not a lot of that!

On many of those first rainy days we went out in search of adventure in nearby towns. We ate and shopped, walked, and saw what we could. Oftentimes, shifting as necessary to things that were planned for another day. Which meant, combining with strange Florida scheduling (not open Monday or Tuesday, not open 12-5, not open when I don't want to be here...), we ended up in places where things weren't open on that given day.

It is also a challenge to fit in what everyone wants to do when there are six of you! (and only one car). We certainly did our best to make it work, our flexibility and patience were tested, our umbrellas were used and shoes soaked. We took side trips, broke up into different groups to accommodate different plans.

We got very good at packing into the rental mini van (which was fabulous, really it was), at functioning without caffeine, and packing up the beach stuff quickly when it began to pour.

We got to see scenic views, beautiful museums, tasty meals, and lots of smiles. Also, a few very large and unexpected spiders and snakes.

We made it through our week, not too rain-soaked, and packed up. We drove to Tampa, dropped off our rental car, got through security, and waited with plenty of time at our gate.

Our flight was delayed.

Then it was back to normal.

We boarded. We pulled out of the gate. We taxied.

We taxied.

We taxied.

Stuck on the plane. Weather delay.

3 hours on the plane. (no pretzels)

Back to the gate.

Waiting on the gate.

Off of the plane!!

Ate snack. (lots of snacks...)

Waiting to re-board.

Waiting to re-board.

Waiting to re-board.

1.5 hours waiting to re-board. (other planes are taking off again)

Mechanical Issue on Plane.

May be getting new plane.

Flight cancelled.

1.5 hours in line at Southwest.

45 minutes at kiosk to book new flight, etc.

1.5 hours to get bags off broken plane.

Picked up by our saviors, parents of the bride.

Dinner.

1 hour to Orlando.

3.5 hours of sleep.

Rush through airport.

Board new plane. Take off as expected. Land at home.

1 hour in the car on the way home.

We finally made it home.

It was all really bad luck. The weather, the mechanical failure, the lines, the lack of flights from Tampa to KC. I think the biggest thing was, we were all ready to be home. We'd done what we went there to do, or at least what we could do. We had all been going with the flow for a week. We had all not slept or ate as regularly as we should have. We had all had more than we could take. But we couldn't get home. Not for 24 more hours at least.

In the end we made it. Some of these things are even starting to be funny. But it was really hard.

Hope you enjoyed that little plane struggles poem... haha #jokes

I promise to post about the good stuff soon, the food and cool places. :)

See More (read: FUN) Florida posts: Tampa, Dunedin, Tarpon Springs, Clearwater, St. Petersburg, Orlando/Winter Park, and "The Treasure Coast."

Have you ever had a group/family trip like this? How did you make it work?

Have you ever experienced a delay like this?

XO,

Alexandra

Heart Links

How is everyone doing?!

I'm pleased to report that Kyle's birthday week, and the catch up week after went very well. Hoping to post more about this soon. Alas, there's been no time for blogging. New creative endeavors have also kept me from this space.... but perhaps this week I can get back into the swing of things. :)

In the meantime....

Many people do a weekly 'Link Love' post. Those can be fun, but it's just never been my thing.

This week the blog world has spoken to so many thing that have been wearing on my heart, so I wanted to share those, because you never know who else might be needing to read these things too.

On how we define ourselves. Oh so relevant, especially as a blogger, and living in the social media age.

On giving back & serving others. A good reminder that service comes in all shapes and sizes. A goal I have for this year.

On the importance of girl friends, and being happy for one another. Just the cutest photo shoot you ever did see. Has me reflecting on wedding happenings, and what it's like when that's something you are searching for.

On retaining creativity and individuality in Pinterest's world. I love Pinterest so so much. But this article raises some good tips on how to keep your individuality in your creative endeavors. How to keep comparison and copycats at bay.

On the promise of spring & treating yo'self. The yummiest recipe.

On ways to love your husband (or significant other). Spending quality time with and putting your significant other first is so important in a relationship. I love this list full of small and big ideas on how to focus on that person in your life.

On lofty goals, achieving them, and an easy way to give back this year. A reminder to dream big, work hard, and help however you can.

I hope that you are all having a great start to your week!

I am happy to report that mine has been relatively productive and a little bit laid back so far!

Tell me how you are! I'm so excited to go back and read a slew of posts from the past few weeks!

XO,

Alexandra

Focusing on Gratitude Year Round // Keeping a Gratitude Journal

In our day-to-day lives it is so easy to get overwhelmed, to focus on the negative parts of our day, and to ultimately wish work, or full days away while looking toward the weekend or a future event.

Near Thanksgiving it is easy to focus on gratitude. Most of my social media friends have been participating in 'I'm Thankful for daily' Thanksgiving type statuses, tweets, or images on Instagram. Don't get me wrong, these are excellent ways to focus on gratitude! It's wonderful to extend that focus through the entire month of November... but I find that I'm happier when I try to make a point to notice what I'm grateful for every. single. day. (or as much as possible).

This is why I (try to!) keep a gratitude journal. So that even at the end of the most stressful, sleep deprived Monday I can remember how much I have to be grateful for. It might sound kind of silly, but it really helps! Especially if you are moving from a packed stressful day to a busy no-free-time kind of evening! This little reflection can make all the difference in your outlook for the next day too. 

I have told various friends about this project and some have told me that they have been inspired to start their own gratitude journals or to make mental or verbal lists each night... so cool! :) So I thought I would share this with the blog world in hopes that it might inspire someone else out there! I hope this helps you to recognize the good in your days, in whatever way works for you!

Here is my method: 

I write the date, the day of the week, and five things that I am grateful for that day.

The five things can be one-word jots, sentences, drawings, paragraphs or whatever you'd like. But for me a list like this is something that I can easily complete at the end of the day, or throughout the day as they occur.

Some days I can't stop at just five.

Others its a struggle to think of five.

But it really helps me to put my day into perspective regardless of how stressed I am! 

Past Examples:

11/15/13 -Friday 

(super enthusiastic and caffeinated..)

1) PAYDAY!!!!

2) Caffiene!!

3) good day at school! - getting to know co-workers better

4) date night at Celieto Lindo - Margaritas!!

5) Sylas & Maddy's!

6) finally finally finally found midi rings!

7) pinterest inspiration

11/17/13 -Sunday

1) mall time :)

2) dropped off pies to friends

3) found some semi-cheesy holiday jewelry

4) PERFECT snowflake earrings

5) deals and discounts @ VS

6) having a really good hair day

7) Chinese :)

8) concert w/ Jess, Kalor, & Kyle

9) silly fun

11/20/13 -Sunday

1) easy school day - fun at Arts Center

2) biscotti and hocho :)

3) time with Kyle

4) Gilmore Girls with Jessica & Juliet

5) RUDY's!

Current Examples:

11/17/14 -Monday

1) feeling productive at work, which keeps me energized despite the crazy workload.

2) lunch out at Rudy's, it's been a while!

3) Hilary Duff is on Health magazine, I still love her! 

4) Kyle is on a roll cooking dinners - feeling so spoiled.

5) started weekly cleaning schedule, did all of the Monday tasks!

6) Jane the Virgin is so funny, it always manages to surprise me..

11/18/14 -Tuesday

1) met deadline at work - feels good to be productive!

2) leftovers reheated at lunch tastier than they were fresh the night before - rare! -I'll take it!

3) dinner & margaritas with friends I haven't seen in A WHILE!

4) feeling very carefree getting groceries at Target (see #3)

5) a movie we bought a few weeks ago was $2 off!

11/19/14 - Wednesday

1) unexpected day off work

2) caught up on some dishes

3) Kyle came home to eat lunch with me :) 

4) Boy Meets World reruns - Undapants!

5) cleaned counters

6) new wall collage almost finished

7) Kyle cooked dinner (again!)!

8) got some china trays ready for the craft fair

9) cookies ... 

So, the idea is that it doesn't require much effort, but it has a lot of impact on my outlook (especially during busy weeks!).

So go out and grab a cute journal, a handful of scratch paper, or open up trusty Evernote, and start recording what you are grateful for. - It really has made a difference in my stress level and my ability to think positively!

How do you focus on gratitude outside of November? I would love to hear your strategies and ideas! 

What helps to relieve your stress?

Thank you for reading!

Alexandra

The 'Art of Slowing Down' - As A Goal-Oriented Person // Reflections

I read this article Friday morning and it really resonated with me.

As a goal oriented person I make goals and lists for everything. (I'm sure you've noticed, there is a whole tab dedicated to goals on this blog!) But sometimes, even for less goal oriented people it is easy to fall into the trap of 'Hurry to get it all done'. -- often to the point of feeling too rushed to enjoy anything at all.

We live in a society where we know so much. We have access to any information at our fingertips. We know what people are doing, saying, achieving, photographing at all times. Because of that, many of us naturally feel the need to 'achieve' more. So we make our lists, we rush, we feel bad when we can't check things off. We feel bad when we miss an event, a deadline, a social gathering. We don't understand why we can't do it all.

The truth is. We can't do it all. And that's ok.

Maybe instead of focusing on doing, seeing, being it all, we should focus more on doing, seeing, being it well. Instead of attempting to fit every social engagement in on a weekend and feeling like you didn't actually get to see or talk to anyone, why not pick just a few (or one!) and really enjoy the time you are spending with the people you are seeing? Instead of vowing to see every piece of art in a huge museum in one day, why not take your time? Why not take the time to actually see what's there? If you've got a list of goals, why not use them to inspire you in your free time, rather than letting them lead you into a mad dash to the 'finish line' when you are already busy? -What's the point in doing it all, when you aren't doing any of it well?

If your goal is to listen to every single song on your favorite album in an hour, while you make a grocery list, read an article, and pay your bills, are you really going to enjoy it? Will you really hear any of the music? Will you catch your favorite lyrics? Will you dance or sing? --probably not. To that end, your grocery list will probably be missing an item, you may not remember the article very well, and you could have forgotten a bill. None of this is good.

Being a highly goal oriented person I struggle with this. I want to do so much. I want to fit it all in. I want to see every country in the world. Ready every classic novel. Host three different types of parties for every holiday. -- but when I rush through these things, try to fit it all in, it just isn't fun. I don't get to put the care, detail, and enthusiasm into my planning, reading, or traveling. That is half of what makes our goals and interests fun, the ability to go all out on something, to have that much passion about it. I don't know about you guys, but when I try to do so many things at once I don't have any energy left to be passionate.

Perhaps this was part of the reason our Seattle trip was so stressful for me. We had an idea of what we wanted to see. Lists of options so we could decide what to do depending on what sounded fun on a given day. We had the addresses. But everything took longer than we expected. Part of that was lack of preparation for public transit, part of that was just that public transit is slower than having your own car, but a bigger part may have been the pressure that we felt to do everything. And when we couldn't do everything, or even as much as we reasonably thought we could, it was easy to feel like we failed. Was it a rough trip either way? -yes. Was it a failure? -no. Did I still feel like it was? -yes. But that is because of that pressure. The feeling that I needed to do it all, and do it all well. But, that just isn't possible to do everything and do it all well. Maybe sometimes, maybe over more time. But I had such a hard time accepting that it wasn't possible, or that our trying was making it more difficult.

Looking back on our trip, viewing our photos this week I have been smiling. I think to myself, 'What a fun place we visited! What a great meal that was! What a beautiful city we experienced!' When I'm thinking these things I'm noticing that these thoughts come mostly from the places where we truly stopped to enjoy what was around us. The meal that lasted for hours and hours. The long morning wandering through the sculpture park. Enjoying the view of the BC parliament building at night as we walked from a late dinner back to our hotel. Sitting at the Seattle Asian Art Museum to watch the video works created by Chen Shaoxiong's Ink. History. Media. ink drawings. It wasn't the mad dash through the market when we should have stopped to eat lunch and rest our feet first. It wasn't trying to hurry through the shops in Fremont so we could get to Ballard more quickly and be too tired to see much.Taking our time, slowing down, savoring those moments, even when we saw less was so much better than all of the rushing.

I also realized that Victoria was much less stressful than Seattle for me. Part of that was that it is a very walkable city. But the other part is that we planned as we went that certain things were just not going to fit into the amount of time that we had. What a revelation right? We didn't have to do everything.

So, here I am thinking about my week, my weekend, and the rest of the month. What will I choose to do? I want to choose to savor. Because I would rather do less things and truly enjoy them than try to fit it all in and be exhausted. Wouldn't you?

Here's to being more intentional about savoring our time this week, weekend, month etc.!

What do you think?

Are you more of a rusher, or a savor-er?

Do you also have a hard time slowing down?

What are your strategies for savoring the moment?

Thank you for reading,

Alexandra